Observing life, one universe at a time.

royallyoily:

creativeronica:

depressedgirl83:

Why do people never talk about the part of depression when you just don’t want anything anymore? Everybody talks about when it hurts like hell, when you cry, when you cut, when you take drugs, when you break down. But no one ever talks about when you just lay down in your room, with a hole inside of you that you don’t know how to fill, and you don’t want to do anything even the things you usually like. So you just spend your day kinda waiting for it to end. And it’s horrible because you feel empty and guilty for that at the same time. 

There needs to be more awareness of this kind of depressed state. It’s often the kind that is mistaken for laziness. I call it “A” depression, and I know it personally. The symptoms are apathy and anhedonia:
Apathy (lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern and anhedonia ( the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable).

This is the most common form of depression I face. It’s very frustrating because it doesn’t appear as intense to outsiders (as let’s say a crying screaming fit) but internally this is my most dangerous kind of depression. That emotionless empty feeling eventually transforms into self harm thoughts pretty quickly for me. I wish I was better able to communicate while I’m in that state of mind.

(Source: hunterraiehorror)

I only have two goals every year which I started in 2015.

1. Visit a place by flight that you have never been to.

2. Learn a new skill set.

In 2015 I got to visit Italy on my first ever work trip. For the new skill set, I learned how a gas turbine generator works and how to start/shut one down. I also learned how to vape, which included how to coil and wick.

For 2016 I aim to visit Japan. The skill set I have chosen to do is boxing/Muay Thai.

I’ve fallen in love with my new friend but it’s ok because I no longer feel like it’s the end of the world if that love is not returned.

I no longer allow the darkness to control me and make me feel like shit just because I can’t have what I want.

Seeing her smile is enough.

My new friend who I just got to know for the past three months and who I confide my constant battle with depression to opened up to me something so shocking that it was finally what it took to kick me out of the darkness that I created for myself. It finally opened my eyes to the reality that my shit was nothing compared to what others have gone through.

I was unhappy even though I had a lot of things that should’ve made me happy. The void within me just couldn’t be satisfied.

Now, having heard her secret story, I feel terrible at how selfish I was to have the audacity to think my problems were so crippling to me when she was able to get past hers and I couldn’t get past mine. It must’ve been very difficult for her to tell me her secret. Something I will take to my grave. She has now made me feel special again for the first time in a long time.

I have essentially been changed and can now feel myself able to fight my demons. Slowly but surely. I appreciate her reactivating my soul and finally opening my eyes. If not, I would still be lost in the personal hell my own mind created.

I am alone and it’s not ok. I have to live with this loneliness that has devoured my soul. I no longer feel like a normal functioning human feels. I no longer feel enjoyment from all the things I used to enjoy. Even sleep has no meaning to me.

theglasschild:

I have found no other cure for loneliness than to befriend it. To sit with it. Feel it. Learn it. Every vibration and every ache. I tried to drink it away. I tried to smoke it away. I ran for miles and sang and cursed,
but there is no other cure for loneliness than to befriend it.

I live here now and this is where I am. This is my bed; these are my shoes. That’s my key and this is my street. That’s where I buy coffee on Monday morning and that’s where I go to write on dark nights in November.
I live here now.
That’s the bench I sat all night through August, when it was still warm and bright, no worries too cold to carry. This is my bed and that is my door; you’re welcome any time, I will never say no.

There is no other cure for loneliness than to befriend it. To sit with it. Feel it. Learn it. Every vibration and every ache. Embrace it, even.
You can’t run away from being lonely, you can only learn to walk with it.

– Charlotte Eriksson, Loneliness